I am almost not sure whether to post this, but since I have found myself in a few awkward situations, I feel I must say something.
2 1/2 weeks ago we left for our vacation up north, in the country. Earlier that morning I had my regular monthly check up with my OBGYN. I knew something was not right, unfortunately I had been down this road a few times too many. When my doctor asked me how I was feeling, I told her that I was a little paranoid as to whether I felt the baby or not. But I brushed it off saying that my life was so busy, I did not even have time to think about it. And that by the end of the day, lying in bed, when I did give it some thought, I was so tired, I drifted off to sleep within seconds.
I was right though. The fetus had died. I was 17 weeks pregnant, but it had died around 13 1/2 weeks. What to do? Nothing. All was beyond my control now. I had to go home, and be there for my girlies, pack up the car and head off on holiday. Which I am so glad I did. I told no-one. Only sugar daddy of course. And life resumed as per usual.
Something was different though. I was different. Life now shone in a very different hue. It was me and my babies. How I looked at them now. How I appreciated every quirk, every laugh, every squeal. Thank G-d for them. How broken I would be – if I never had them. What a gift, a true blessing.
The quiet mornings by myself, at the break of dawn. The time to think. What did I do wrong? Should I not have worked out? Was I consistent enough with all my meds? Should I have gone to Zumba? It was none of that. This is just what Hashem had in store for me. And now to find the good. What good could come of this?
In anticipation for my D&C I took out my siddur and prayed shacharis (morning services)before anyone awoke. How long had I not done that in? Long.
My anger abated. I found my soul voice again. My months of complaints came tumbling before me. Why could I never be satisfied with what I have? Why am I always looking just a little over the hedge? What can I not see the diamonds and pearls I have right here, with me, now?
Aaaah. I began to see some good. I prayed that I would not have to have the D&C, that i would abort naturally. G-d answered my prayers, and on the Wednesday evening i drove in to the city. At 9:30pm, Sugardaddy dropped me off at emergency, and the next minute, things happened all by themselves. I will spare the gory details – but basically due to lack of staff or miscommunication, I was kept in emergency the whole night, with doctors prodding and poking, but for the most part I was left alone. My body was allowed to do what it intrinsically knows. I kept saying ‘Asher yatzar’ (a prayer thanking G-d for opening all the openings and closing all that should be closed)over and over again – with such kavana(intention). I felt so in tune with every beat of my body. I knew exactly what was happening. There was no panic, and the pain was bearable and almost a welcome friend. Once the pain subsided, I asked hubby to give me the book of Tehillim (Psalms). Not sure how many I read, but I read a lot. And then is struck me. It was here in this olive-green room, with nothing to look at besides 2 luminous stickers on the wall, one saying AIR and the other saying GAS, that i found my spiritual connection. I was so grateful for being alive. For not having to have an operation, for the great opportunity of going home and kissing my children. How grateful I was for my life. I lost a lot of blood. I even passed out for a bit, but this immense gratitude for allowing me to be alive! What in the world was there to complain about? What in the world could be more important than being with those you love and who love you? Nothing. Not one other thing entered my head, besides those that I love.
I felt very sad for this little baby that was not able to live within me. But it came and fulfilled its purpose I suppose. It straightened out my priorities, gave my life real purpose again. A high price to pay, but message received – loud and clear.
I returned to my children in the country. So happy to see them. I still did my fair share of yelling the rest of the trip. I still got angry now and then. But everything is in perspective now. There is nothing more important to me. Thank G-d I see it now.