How did you read the title? Am I telling you I need a break in a questioning tone? Am I asking your advice on whether you think I need some well deserved time off?
I am asking a very rhetorical question, one with deep philosophical ramifications. Although rhetorical questions require no answer, I am going to use my right as author of this blog, to answer the question.
Before I do though, you need to know a piece of vital information.
Today I fractured 5 bones in my wrist.
Let’s back up. Last night I sat up planning my week with precision. I had very busy week planned, lots to do, and I would have to be super efficient if I wanted to get everything done. So with my agenda filled to the brim, I went to sleep, excitedly anticipating my week ahead.
This morning I rushed out to my weekly learning that I do with a very special woman, And afterwards I felt revved up for my day. At 10am I got into my car, and checked my agenda. I had some calls to make at home, but I thought that on my way passing by, I would just go passed the school and see the principle. I wanted to tell her that some kids were doing something that I never approved of, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I thought this was a perfect time to go and state my case. At that minute my daughter called from school, saying she was not feeling well. I reassured her that I was on my way, and I also confirmed to myself, that since she called me now – how more-so an opportune time it would be to point fingers at certain individuals. Don’t worry – I was not going to name names…I just was going to group a whole lot of people together….
I found the perfect parking. Even more validation. I walked up to the school, and then – as accidents always happen – out of the blue, I tripped. I broke my fall with my hand. As I landed, and felt the pain,I looked down and saw my wrist bone had taken 3 jumps to the right. I knew this was not good.
And in that same second, I asked myself why this happened. My mind flashed with my prior intentions. I admitted that I was on a witch-hunt. Not only had I just spent the last hour talking about ga’avah(arrogance and haughtiness)- and how to avoid the pitfalls of it; but now I was going to condemn a whole bunch of people whom I thought were behaving in a manner that I (me and my) deemed unfit. Perhaps I did have a right to not approve of their behaviour, but I realized in that split second that my accusatory finger should not have been wagging.
OK Hashem. I got it. The only thing that would stop me would be a broken hand. I was in too much pain to talk. There you go – no pointing fingers today.
A stranger rushed to my aid, shuffled me into the office at the school. My bewildered daughter looking terribly guilty that it was her fault that this happened, because she had called me to get her. And so many kind people, and hatzala, and Gitty….
Thank you…. Thank you Gitty for fearlessly getting me to emergency, for yelling at people to get out of the way, for parking illegally, for picking up my kids, for leaving work, just so you could escort me into good hands at the hospital. No names mentioned. Like a guardian angel – you should be blessed….
And then the news. As it turns out… a major break. A barton fracture, as i heard the ER doctor tell all the orthopaedic residents. They were all very excited. This was a rare fracture. I did not share their same enthusiasm. All I did was say the two tehillim I know off by heart – I am sure I know more, but only 2 came to mind…..I also did my teshuva… I knew what I had done wrong. Nothing like sitting in ER waiting to get anaesthetized, to put you in that contrite mode. I had also recently listened to a shiur on Nefesh Hachayim, by Rabbi Lapin, and he explains how physical ailments are the result of a blockage (sin) in the spiritual realm, and he explains how we can figure out and fix that blockage, via utilizing various methods of teshuva.
The staff were fantastic, I could not be more grateful for such attentive, caring people. And then, being sedated by a cocktail of something previously used to sedate horses, mixed in with a dollop of whatever Michael Jackson OD’d on. (Boy that stuff is good man)! I laughed a lot and spoke a lot while I was in my semi conscious state. But one thing I had was crystal clear clarity of my mind and of Hashem. Although I knew all the other people were in the room, and I felt them put my hand back into position, I knew that I was only in G-d’s hands. That is all that mattered.It was a very warm feeling. A very reassuring feeling.
After I came around, the ER doctor told me that he thinks he did a good job, but he is sure I ill need surgery and screws. I began davening my heart out. Telling Hashem that I got the message. That I have done my teshuva, please let me not need the surgery. I also said, though, that if I needed it well then so be it, but I begged for it not to be so. I know people were saying tehillim in montreal, Israel and NY…. Thank you all, and my little girls too….
And then… after the whole orthopaedic staff reviewed my new x-rays, I was told that I did NOT need the surgery! BH!!! The ER doctor and nurses were shocked! No-one could believe it – except me!
Thank you Hashem….
So – do I need a break? I guess so. I needed it to come closer to G-dliness, to realize my inadequacies and insufficiencies. I needed it to connect and see the good in so many people. I needed it to see how my family and friends rallied around me in my time of need.
And now, I have to go through the next few weeks a little inconvenienced, but constantly reminded of our amazing potential for spiritual growth.