l’m writing again

Like me, my writing is inconsistent. It stops and starts and it is spontaneous and impulsive. Just like the daily happenings of my life. Of course I make life materialize this way, due to fly-off-the-seat-of my pants nature that make me stop in my tracks and ask “Why? …. Why did I do this… AGAIN?”

Why can’t I be logical, critical, analytical? No for me its all about the feel good factor…. It FEELS right, or so I convince myself. I even ask myself if it is the little voice inside that’s saying to do it – or am I being influenced by something else? Something not so pure and unadulterated. Something small – meaningless.  Like – say – money for example…?

I even convince myself of how if this first step might not be so perfect in every way – what it leads to is certain utopia, and therefore I MUST do it – for the greater good of mankind! Yes, I do go that far in my head.

I am very Macchiavelian. I have to admit.

Like the time when I convinced myself to say ‘yes’ to the man of my dreams, when he proposed to me at the Kotel. I was not 100% decided, in fact that morning I actually broke up with him. What transpired in the next 12 hours could be a small novella – forget a blog post – but that we will save that for another time. The little voice inside my head told me that this is exactly what G-d wants from me. He wants me to have  jewish home,  light candles on Friday night and impart my then ‘immense’ jewish knowledge to them – at the same time convincing my very reform-I-want-nothing-to-do-with G-d-or-religion new husband how beautiful the Torah ( which I knew hardly anything about), was.

Did  mention we only knew each other for 6 weeks.

Ohhhh… but it felt so good to say yes. There was even a full moon! It was perfect. Until we returned to life and he became an abusive monster. Eight months later, I listened to the little voice, and that was the impetus for changing my life around 180!

Or how about the time I made my dad pay for University for me. ( I really did not know he was having financial difficulty that year). At an out-of-town school – so he had to pay for residence as well. Well I did graduate cum laude in my social life. I really did.  However I failed my courses miserably. Who could stand being in a stuffy lecture hall, when there were so many people to socialize with??? I arrived knowing no-one. I left with a farewell party of 200 of my closest friends. Another lesson learnt.

Or this one… The time when I conscripted 40 incredible women around the world to work on an online Jewish Woman’s magazine. We put together an 80 page stunning online glossy mag! It took two months of immense work. Everyone worked pro bono. It was a pure labour of love, and I felt it from everywhere and everyone. Only for me to have a miscarriage at 16 weeks, and decide that the last thing I needed was stress.

Boy – did I cry when I had to let that one go.

But this time I did something silly.  I allowed myself to buy into the multi level marketing dream. The dream of thousands of dollars pouring in from every orifice. The dream that I too could be one of those women with immaculately white teeth, perfectly coiffed hair and dressed in a gorgeous Jackie O style suit, talking to hundreds of hopefuls about my success in this magical company. So really – without doing any due diligence – really ( I mean I did see a lot of videos and articles that were pro the company) I signed up. BOOM. Just like that.

I am a salesperson dream. I believe so wholeheartedly in succeeding. Failure does not exist – so why not give it a chance. I mean, before Sugardaddy gets next months’ credit card statement, I will be already pulling in thousands. No?

So as I left on my high, I made some calls. Calls to people who I thought for sure would sign up! Boy, did I get a rude awakening. Everyone ha already been approached by others trying to get them to sign up too, or at least buy the product. None of them were impressed with it at all, and one asked me some very pertinent questions about what goes into the product.

Now – me being very natural, very sugar-free, very health conscious. Do you think I asked ONE of these questions? NOOOOO! I just assumed it was as healthy as the beautiful green looking catalogue augured.

To be fair though – I do believe that this product is A-ok. I do believe that women who work it, stand to be very successful. Here is my caveat: If you do not want to involve every single person you know; If you feel uncomfortable about calling up friends that you have had nothing to with in years – and now want to get them on board to buy your product or better yet, buy into the business; If you feel weird coming across as an expert when really you know nothing – them multi level marketing is not for you.

As it is just not for me. But moreso for me, it was about the product. If I cannot stand behind something 100% – I cannot sell it. If I believe in something, you all better believe you’d be buying into my plan right now.  I can sell.

But it really taught me something about myself. Trying to use a product that was not organic, nor non GMO goes completely against my grain. I did not realize how strongly until just last week. I did not realize how far into maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I have really gone, and how important it is to me.

I wish my friend lots of luck in her new business. I am sure she will do very well. And please – if using paraben free, sulphate free and no animals used interesting is important to you – then this is a great product. However, if using organic and non GMO is more important – then don’t get sucked in without doing the right research.

Anyway – hopefully I can get out of this mess gracefully.

If not I have a truckload of product to sell.


1 thought on “l’m writing again”

  1. I just it want to tell you that I LOVE this post!
    There is something so honest and self -searching about it!
    I also want to say that in as much as our families require some sort of consistency from their moms- I love your flying nature and it is important to keep that and never squash it (tame it maybe???)
    Your passion is vital and it just needs a healthy dose of reality added (plus the ball and chain that sugar daddy provide needs to be embraced- the two of you can make a good balance – if you let

    Xoxox Mikki


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